Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Randomize
