the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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