and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
