Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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