yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Let's paint friendship bongs
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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