Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
