i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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