Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
