i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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