i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
