Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
