ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
