piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
