I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
