Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
