Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Im part way to drunk.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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