He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
