I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Randomize
