can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
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