Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
