ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
