So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
The uberlube is also flammable
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
