Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
