Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
