I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
