i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
