hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
