your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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