using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
