I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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