i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
