You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
