Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I currently don't understand fingers.
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