I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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