wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
