I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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