Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
