Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
it was like eating out sand paper
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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