Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
