broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
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A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
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Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
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