Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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