I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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