My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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