So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
