I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
