o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
