He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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