I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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