Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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