No awkward lesbian experiences without me
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
There's always time for handjobs
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
