a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
