I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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