I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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