Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just tell him i said nine months
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
