I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
