also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We have so much sex to catch up on
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
